We, the horror audience, suffered the world’s biggest kick in the crotch after “Hostel II” opened to an extremely depressing opening weekend box office. Various publications declared “Torture Porn Is Now DEAD!”.

Lionsgate’s “Captivity”, being heavily advertised as The Event to see on Friday the 13th, of July, had a whole lot resting on its dreary little shoulders. Unfortunately, I am sad to say that it has now placed the very last nail in the coffin that was the “Torture Porn” genre. Rest in piece buddy [R.I.P. 2004-2007]

“Captivity” had an interesting premise, though not that original, as I could swear it was probably the same kind of story one would find on Lifetime television for women any Sunday afternoon, well, without all the blood and “Interesting” forms of torture.

From the very opening scene, which I felt was put in there just to get the audience to squirm and to announce: “Hey! I’m a Torture Movie!!! – BE WARNED.” I knew I wasn’t going to be impressed. It actually felt like it was added after the movie was filmed, more on that later…

The movie is centered on Jennifer, portrayed by Elisha Cuthbert, a famous model who is plastered everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE. We see her finish her latest photo shoot and then go and make herself a blended drink of seaweed and twigs or whatever, which she lovingly pours into her little toy dog Suzie’s drinking bowl sighing: “Suzi, looks like you’re the only friend I really have” or something to that degree so we now know we should feel sorry for her.

B-O-O, H-O-O…

Before our very eyes we see Jennifer get abducted, maybe even her little dog too???

The rest of the movie is a focus on Jennifer being confined and tortured as punishment for when she misbehaves or doesn’t do as instructed. One torture scene was perhaps one of the grossest scenes I have ever witnessed. It actually made me wonder exactly why this movie was even made. It was at this point I had decided that the writers, Larry Cohen and Joseph Tura, were OBVIOUSLY turned-down by a beautiful blonde [or fifty-seven] in their lives because why else would someone create a story about torture like this, on someone that we know is lonely to begin with? Why, unless they wanted to therefore punish all of the beautiful women in their lives that had turned them down? That’s why and how the torture scenes were so well thought out, as in they were probably sitting in the writer’s heads for years upon years collecting dust. So then I had a better understanding, and my stomach turned less then it did before that realization. Upon my new realization that this was in all actuality a vigilante movie from the killer’s point of view, I was better able to sit through the rest.

A roommate for Jennifer?

Jennifer finds a hole in the wall with a light flashing from the other end.
She realizes she is not the only captive!
She makes contact with Gary, portrayed by Daniel Gillies, who we also witness being tortured as well. They form a bond so they won’t feel isolated anymore. At one point the killer even makes it a point to get the two of them to interact with each other in person.
Is he playing a game, or did he figure this was going to happen eventually? All I can say is that the best scenes in the movie were the interactions between Jennifer and Gary. It added a greatly needed dynamic of realism to the movie. That is, until they throw in one romantic scene that just felt awkward to watch, seeing as how they are both being held captive and know that their every movement is being filmed.

I won’t tell how the rest plays out, but will say there was actually one turture/death scene that I couldn’t help but laugh at, in the process, the other 4 people in the theatre started laughing as well, as if making sure someone else laughed first. The sad thing is, is that this was a scene where it was obviously placed in the movie to tug at your heart strings and make you scream “NO! NO!” at the screen.

Nobody did.
I laughed.
The rest of the audience laughed with me.

Attention Hollywood: We LAUGHED at a torture scene. “Torture Porn” is now defunct.

Back to the “Opening Scene”, we learn that there is an obvious pattern to the killer’s choice of victims. After watching the entire movie the opening scene really made no sense at all since the victim obviously didn’t fit the killer’s choice of victims. Way to go director Roland Joffe! Big slap on the back for that one!

In the end, I do recommend watching this movie only if you place the “SAW” and “HOSTEL” movies at the top of your favorites list, but remember, it’s apparent that the torture scenes were probably written to be submitted for “SAW V”…unfortunately they ended-up in “Captivity”

My Grade: 1 out of 5 Stars
I laughed at a death scene!
So I guess that really did mean I was entertained!