After much consideration, I decided to watch “The Bel Air Bitch Project” for this week’s review.  I figured it probably had some nudity and would be loosely based on the “The Blair Witch Project” which it did and was…sort of.  But instead of being the mildly scary off-shoot of the aforementioned film, it was more like the drunken rants of a middle aged coked-up stripper.

This “docudrama” follows a woman around town as she seduces men and convinces them to have sex with her…almost.  This is where the “bitch” part of the movie comes in.  She basically teases them into a boner frenzy and then kicks them out the door.  Sometimes she does have sex, but only until she gets hers, after which she promptly leaves or again, kicks the guy out.  The only thing remotely scary about this film is the horrible boob-job scar she has on her right jug.  She does do an amazing job of concealing the massacre of her gazonga but from time to time we do get a peak at the monstrosity which used to be, I’m sure, a perfectly normal sagging titty.

I started this film with five pre-movie beers and by half time I was up to eight.  I should have had more, but I think I didn’t eat very much that night and the beers were being good to me so I was slowing down considerably.  Anyway, what’s-her-name has an ongoing flirt fest with the cameraman who continuously goads her into doing naked tricks for the camera while she tries to keep from falling on her ass after doing of what I’m guessing must have been an excess of drugs/alcohol.  The plot thickens as an anonymous stranger suddenly appears in her house and we are asked to leave and come back later, only to discover she has been murdered!  Oops…Did I spoil it for you?  You’re lucky.  Now you don’t have to sit through it.  Then there’s a lame attempt to make it seem like an actual on going murder case, their only evidence: a videotape of the murder from the camera which luckily had been left on but unfortunately it was at just the right angle as to not see the murderer’s face. Damn!  Who could it be?  One of the five guys she cock-teased into blind rage?  Or perhaps her landlord trying to collect his long overdue rent she doesn’t have because she spent it all on drugs and alcohol!

But I digress.

To protect the “not so innocent” I won’t divulge the director or “actress’s” name from this film.  If you really want them I suppose you can look them up on IMDB, but I doubt even they would have a listing for this, this, whatever it is.  Overall though you should see it, just to see her boob scar.  It really is pretty bad.

Beer Review Rating:
5-pre-movie beers
5-during movie beers (on an empty stomach)