How can you go wrong with a movie called “Vampyros Lesbos”?  Easily apparently.  Directed by Jess Franco, this 1971 flick barely tips the fear factor scale or the libido scale for that matter. Fortunately, I had 3 pre-movie beers which was a great deal of help while sitting through the films excruciating opening soft-core lesbo scene. *Yawn*

This is a German film with English sub-titles.  This helps you stay awake while trying to figure out what is going on, but after all that’s said and done, you still don’t know what’s going on even if you read every one of those damn sub-titles (which I did not).  What I did figure out was “Linda”, an attorney, goes to Istanbul to help out “Countess Blah Blah Blah” with her estate.  They have a little daytime skinny dipping (I thought this was a no-no for vampires) and some lame lesbo encounters, then I made a sandwich so I don’t know what happened after that.  I dropped my knife and I got mayonnaise all over the floor and since it was sub-titled I couldn’t understand what was going on while I was cleaning it up.  When I sat back down, Linda’s boyfriend “Bad Porno Moustache Guy” (not his real name) had come to Istanbul to look for her.  He went to a nut-house for some reason and there was some crazy chick there, still not sure what her deal was.  Then crazy chick kills herself, then the Countess kills herself and I think Linda does too, I’m not sure.  By now I had finished my 4th Tall Boy beer.  I do remember thinking at this point “Hey this movie isn’t that bad.”

I must have been pretty buzzed.

 **Beer movie rating:  

 3-12oz pre-movie beers  

 4-16oz during show beers

 **How many beers it takes to enjoy this movie.